Why Marriage Is Harder Than Ever-and Maybe Better Too

Forget Will and Kate. Forget George and Amal. And forget, even, Barack and Michelle. The ideal modern marriage is the one between Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu and her American husband Shane Tusup.

Did their epic love story slip by you? Until 2012, Hosszu was a talented but unremarkable swimmer. After the London Olympics, in which she entered four races but won no medals, she asked her then boyfriend Tusup to take over as her coach.

In the 2016 Olympics, in Rio de Janeiro, Hosszu entered five events and won four medals, three of them gold. She’s the first swimmer ever to reach $1 million in race winnings. Her nickname, the Iron Lady, is now used for a brand of apparel.

The Hosszu-Tusup union is an extreme version of what people now expect from marriage, according to Northwestern University professor Eli Finkel. He’s the latest in a spate of authors to try to figure out what our most intimate institution has become now that it’s no longer a precondition for becoming a grownup, getting it on, ensuring economic security or having kids. In his new book, The All-or-Nothing Marriage, Finkel argues that 21st century spouses seek partners who will bring out their best, most authentic selves, who can spot potential in their mates and find, Michelangelo-like, the beautiful sculpture within the block of stone.

That does not mean today’s spouse is absolved from the conjugal responsibilities of yore. We still want security. We still want a passionate lover. We still want higher-order parenting skills. Those come standard. “We continue to view our marriage as a central locus of love and passion and we continue to view our home as a haven in a heartless world, but … a marriage that achieves those things without also promoting self-expression is insufficient,” writes Finkel.

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